If letting go is hard to do, staying put is even harder

Just a quick thank you to all of you out there reading and praying for me.  It seems like I come here and write what is in my heart and then just sort of leave and don't come back for awhile.  This is where I write some of my most personal thoughts about life,  and it is a gift to have you to read and to pray with me, even if most of us have never met face to face. 

Right now, I am really struggling with staying where God wants me.  Even if I am home with my children, sometimes, many times, I am not truly present to them.  With God, I am trying to remain faithful.  Having a family is a wonderful gift, but I am learning that being an authentic wife and mother does not allow me to hide away what is really going on in my heart, and it is just very overwhelming at times. Like I said in my last post, my fight or flight instinct kicks in, and it just does not work.  Only surrender to God does.  God is healing me, one step at a time, and I need to be patient with His time, with my weaknesses, and with my family.  So, even though not as much is written here right now, a lot is happening, and it is all good, even if it is difficult.

Thank you for being good online friends and thank you also to those I have met face to face for reading here and for your friendship.  God is good.

I will pray for your intentions too.  God knows what they are. 

Three Favorite Religous Books

I love books!  Thanks Mary, over at The Beautiful Gate, for tagging me for a meme on my three favorite religious books. While I have many books that I really like, here are three favorites after the Bible:

• My Other Self - Clarence Enzler - This book was recommended to me recently by my Spiritual Director.  I can describe this book best as a practical abandonment to divine providence.  I have benefited greatly from reading this and know I will come back to it again and again.  Here is what Ave Maria Press has to say:

In My Other Self Clarence Enzler—author of the multi-million copy seller Everyone’s Way of the Cross—guides readers in prayerful conversation with Christ wherein the reader is personally addressed as “my other self” and is urged to embody Christ’s love and compassion to others.


Modeled on the fifteenth-century classic The Imitation of Christ, this new edition of a little-known Enzler masterwork has now been reissued for modern Christians after being out of print for many years. This new edition includes an introduction from the author's son, Msgr. John Enzler, pastor of the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament in Washington, D.C.

In this intimate guide to the spiritual life, Christ speaks directly to the reader, whom Christ admonishes to be his presence of love and service in the world. Through this creative mode of dialogue, Enzler leads the reader through the journey of the Christian life, beginning with the call to live in friendship with Christ and fulfill Christ's desire. He then examines the means of the Christian life: detachment, virtue, prayer, avoidance of sin, and the Eucharist. Finally he explores the goal of the journey: a life of union with Christ as his disciple and complete joy with him in eternity. Each chapter of My Other Self is divided into short, eloquent sections based on scripture and with beautiful prayers for meditation. These convenient divisions make the book ideal for use as a daily devotional, or a guide to prayer.

•  Abandonment to Divine Providence - Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade - I first read this book about 4 years ago and recently read it again for a book club.  It is so packed with spiritual goodness that I believe I could read it again and again.  Each page is densely packed with beautiful wisdom from Fr. de Caussade.  It is very deep and not always easy to read, but so worth it!  This book probably isn't for everyone, but I had to include it here because it has had a profound impact on me. 

• Discernment of Spirits - Timothy Gallagher - It has been many years since I first read this book, and I believe it is time to read it again!  This book opens up Ignatian spirituality to the average lay person and helps give clarity regarding the states of spiritual consolation and desolation.  A friend first recommended it to me, and I remember just being astonished at how much I could relate to the descriptions of various spiritual states.  Before reading this, I did not really know how to discern what was happening and what to do about it.  Hmmmm..... this is why I need to read this again, as I can get spiritually confused sometimes.  I have been trying to give this up in abandonment, but really God provides us with such wonderful tools, especially through the teachings of the Saints, we should use them.  Going to go find my copy right now!

There are so many other books that I love, especially from the Saints.  Even just reading little booklets from TAN books about the Saints has been so beneficial and enjoyable, but the above three are the books that stand out for helping me most in recent years.

I pass this on to:

Jen at Box Full of Blessings
Michael at Reach Paradise
Fr. Andrew at Catholic Vision

Feel free to give your answer here in the comments or at your blog.  Thanks!

When the Damage is Already Done

Have you ever said something you have regretted, sometimes almost instantly?  And in this day of social media and electronic communication, have you every written/typed/texted something you wish you could take back?  Recently, in an online conversation, in trying to be "helpful", I typed something that I could not take back.  In the end, it was not helpful at all, and I wanted so hard to delete what I had said, but really it would have done no good except maybe protect myself from others seeing what I had typed.  I could have deleted it, but the damage was already done.  I apologized, but my apology was ignored.  It is very painful when our apologies are not accepted, but also I can understand hesitation to forgive as I have been there before.  I would love to say that I could live a life with no apologies, but the fact is that I am human and I am going to mess up and say stupid things, even when I'm trying to be helpful.

In the aftermath of self recrimination and self doubt, God let my heart know with certainty, that no matter what we do, when we come to Him to seek forgiveness, He will never reject us.  Never.  He always receives our plea for Mercy with Love and forgiveness.  Do I forgive the way He does?  Or is my forgiveness cold and conditional?  And on the other side, do I seek forgiveness with love or with a desire to make myself feel better?  The damage has been done, but with Christ, all things are possible, and His Mercy endures forever.

New Kid on the Block

Thanks to the Crescat for hosting the final Catholic Cannonball Awards and thanks to everyone who voted for this blog! Since I have won the best average New Kid on the Block blog award, and this is the last Cannonball, then I can always be the new kid on the block and always have that as my excuse as to why I don't have a lot of fancy stuff here and that one of these days I will update things when I'm not so new anymore. [Update: I can tell I was tired and excited when I wrote this as it is a major run-on sentence]

Now I can always be new, or something like that.

Anyway, it is late, I am tired, and it's been a long week! Oh wait, it's only Tuesday. It feels like it should be at least Friday. Well, such is life. Thanks for coming by and I hope to see you again.

UPDATE: And the official Award Graphic from Vincenzo:

And here is a complete list of the winners. Congratulations everyone and thanks to the Crescat!

Best Blog by a Religious: Fr. Longenecker’s Standing on My Head

Best Political Blog: Adrienne’s Catholic Corner

More Catholic Than the Pope: Real Catholic TV

Best Armchair Theologian:Little Catholic Bubble

Best Visual Treat: Betty Beguiles

Most Church Militant: It’s a tie! Defend Us in Battle, and Cleansing Fire

Best New Kid on the Block: Heart For God

Best Blog by a Heretic: Bad Vestments

Best Under Appreciated Blog: Barefoot & Pregnant

Best Spiritual Treat: Blessed is the Kingdom

Bat Shit Crazy: I Have to Sit Down

Best Potpourri of Popery: Shoved to Them

Snarkiest Catholic Blog: Acts of the Apostasy

Most Hifreakinlarious: another tie! Acts of the Apostasy and The Ironic Catholic

Blog that Needs to be Updated More Often: Recovering Dissident Catholic

OK, so......

So, well, there's this Cannonball Awards thing over at The Crescat. I'm really not very competitive, but usually can't pass a challenge by.... I know, walking contradiction. The last time I posted about this, I only had like 20 votes which was already a shock, and then when I woke up the next morning, there were 90 votes for this blog!!! Thanks to all of you who are voting for me, I appreciate it :)

While you're at it, vote for These Stone Walls for Best Under Appreciated Blog. This one really is the best, both for content and for the people doing the work required to put it all together for Fr. MacRae.

It's a long shot for me to get the New Kid on the Block award, but hey, it's worth a try!!

UPDATE: I deleted some of what I originally posted here. I know this is all in good fun, but somehow, I feel guilty telling you to vote for me more than once and that "Chicago mob style rules." Seems I've taken the lead again.... but honestly, I'm not sure if there are that many people who even read this blog. This blog is a work in progress, and it's great to win the most average new kid on the blog award, but I'd rather come by it honestly. So thank you to all who have voted for me, and voted for me again, but you don't have to vote unless it's your first time and you really like this blog :) And I'm sorry I waited this long to say that. Should have said it last night before getting back in the lead.

Vote here.

Thanks! :)

Have you ever been snipe hunting?

Once, in high school when I first moved to Tennessee some people offered to take me snipe hunting since I had never been. I was looking forward to it until my grandpa told me what was really going on.

And then there was the time I was chosen as band sponsor for homecoming. And I wasn't even in the band! I kid you not. But this is way cooler than that :) I think! See category Best New Kid on the Block.

There was also that time that my husband told me that the word gullible was not in the dictionary.

I know, I'm just a little paranoid. And don't get me started on meme tag anxiety.... I'll save that for another post.

Thanks Cathy!

Sacred Sounds

AWESOME new blog, Sacred Sounds. Here's a little of what Daniel Beiter had to say in their first artist spotlight, on Mumford and Sons:

If they show one thing, it is that honest, inspired, and passionately played, beautiful music will always draw people in. These four men have arenas packed with humanists and Christians alike, singing together: "Awake, my soul. You were made to meet your maker."

It is music that sings of our need for grace and of the pain that comes in life. These are songs of the desire to break out of our little selves, out of our fear of death, out of our broken love, and they are sung as such. They are songs sung which profess our need for heaven. They are songs sung in the poetry of the grand English tradition of Shakespeare.

Wow. I am really looking forward to reading and listening to more at this blog. I love music. Can't think of a better way to say it. I just love music. Period. Go check out Sacred Sounds.

HT Marc Barnes at Virtuospla.net via Fr. Erik Richtsteig at Orthometer

I'm with Swissy

Image from Vincenzo

We are excited because swissmiss and her family are coming to visit this weekend! :) We have never actually met in person, so I am kinda nervous too!

The kids keep asking, when will swissmiss be here? Maybe they think she will bring them some hot chocolate or something.

They wonder if we will talk to each other on our computer screens while in the same room. Er, no probably not, we're too old to do that :)

Studiositas versus Curiositas

I read an excellent post over at Catholic Spiritual Direction called "Is curiosity bad? I seem to have an appetite for information about all things...." Father Bartunek writes:

Learning involves all the good things that you describe above. We cannot love what we do not know. Studying God’s creation can help us know God better, just as studying the works of an artist can help know an artist better, and by knowing God better we can love him better – which is the purpose of our existence. Our intelligence is meant for this, in fact. That’s why the Christian spiritual tradition catalogues studiositas as a virtue – the virtue of study, of applying our minds to studying and learning, so that we can grow in knowledge and understanding of the world, ourselves, and God.

and

But like every power of the human soul, this capacity to learn can be de-formed. Instead of applying ourselves to develop the virtue of study, we can fall into the vice of curiositas, or curiosity. In the Christian spiritual tradition, this word, like studiositas, has a technical meaning. The vice of curiosity refers to the superficial gathering of information, the thirst to imbibe the latest headline or rumor just because it’s new. Curiosity stops where learning begins. It’s like the butterfly that flits from flower to flower without gathering any nectar, whereas the bee will settle into a flower and drink up, taking time to gather all that the flower has to offer.

Ever since jumping into the online world (back in 2006 when I was on bed rest with our 3rd), I have had to fight the battle of spending too much time online. Before that, I viewed the computer as a tool I used at work, but spending time at a computer screen was never something I wanted to do with my free time. I checked email periodically and that was about it.

Image Credit:

Association of Catholic Women Bloggers

It is interesting that right before this is when I really started to experience an exponential growth in my faith and formation in the Catholic Church. I began researching the teachings of the Church through reading books, attending prayer groups, Bible studies, anywhere I could go to learn more about Christ and His Church. It is a wonderful thing to be so in love with Christ and want to know more about Him! And I still have that desire and am so thankful that God has given it to me.

But like with all desires, our unchecked human appetites can become vices (I type this as I eat chocolate chips since we have no other chocolate in the house....hmmm). Another good point that Fr. Bartunek makes in his post is the following:

On the other hand, it [knowledge] also can keep us distracted. In this case, the thirst to have new experiences and develop new areas of expertise is inordinate, out of proportion to our mission in life. The enjoyment of acquiring new knowledge, which is legitimate in itself, becomes so all-consuming that the duties of one’s state in life are neglected.

This is exactly what my struggle is right now with intellectual curiosity, it too often becomes inordinate and then I neglect the duties of my state in life. What seems to be a good thing becomes a vice. I need God's grace to keep this desire within His will. Pray for me.

Interestingly enough, right now as I am typing this, my daughter brought the mail in, and in it is a book I just ordered, No Greater Love, by Mother Teresa. It isn't supposed to be a used book, but thumbing through it, I noticed several sentences were underlined. Here is a sentence that was underlined:

Words that do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness.

So not only do I need to watch the amount of time I spend online, but also discern what I am reading online. Thank you Mother Teresa!

I'm excited now to go start reading this book! After I get the laundry put away and dinner started, of course ;)

Pray for us, Blessed Mother Teresa!

Do go read all of Father Bartunek's post at Catholic Spiritual Direction. And go check out Association of Catholic Women Bloggers at:

A Pearl of Great Price - Pay it Forward Tuesday

Pay it Forward is hosted by Holly at A Life-Size Catholic Blog. Thanks Holly!

One of my favorite priest bloggers (or rather, a priest who happens to blog), Fr. Andrew, has a great post from his homily this past Sunday at his website Catholic-Vision in which he challenges us to live the wisdom of Scripture:

The wisdom of Scripture says to sell everything for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Like a great pearl there is no price too great. Like treasure in the field we must sell all to acquire that field. The wisdom of the world says to hold something back for yourselves and don’t trust the Kingdom of Heaven to provide for you—which is the wisdom of our enemy, the master of this world, Satan.

He reminds us of the 43rd Anniversary of Humanae Vitae and the consequences of choices our culture has made regarding the use of artificial contraception. His post is not about what is right and what is wrong, but about our trust in God. Fr. Andrew speaks to us with love and with challenge, as a good father does. Thanks Fr. Andrew! Read his post here.

Why I Love Jesus

Mary at The Beautiful Gate has tagged me for a meme of Why I Love Jesus. I admit at first I was excited to be tagged but then when I started to try to think of 5 reasons why I love Jesus, I kept stumbling at what to say because my love is so inadequate compared to the Love of Christ. “I love Him because He loves me” seemed a selfish thing for me to say at first. But in reality, this is the truth and where it all begins:

+JMJ+

Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent His only Son into the world so that we might have life through Him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as expiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us.

We love because He first loved us.

~ 1 John 4: 8-12; 19

My love is only meaningful WITHIN His Love. My love is not to be compared to His Love but to be known within His Love, safe, secure, strong, and beautiful. Outside of the Love of Jesus Christ, my love is deceptive. Five reasons I love Jesus:

1. His Love never fails, even when mine does.
2. He is my Savior. Even though sin condemns me, He is mighty to save me.
3. He gives me Mary as my Mother. Mary is teaching me to receive the graces of wisdom and true humility through her Magnificat, “My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord….” and through the beautiful way she silently “ponders and keeps these things in her heart.”
4. He has rescued me from darkness and He will never abandon me.
5. He speaks to me through all my senses –

I love Jesus because I hear Him speak to me through His Holy Word at Mass, through the gentle voice of encouragement from family and friends, in hearing my husband laugh, and in hearing Him speak directly to me through His beautiful creation of music.

I love Jesus because I see His great Love for me and for all the world as I see through the eyes of faith how He bleeds and dies for us on the Cross and in His mighty and powerful Resurrection. I love Him in seeing my husband love and care for our children and in his care for his students and in the work of his hands. I love how He reveals His Love by beautiful works of creation, like sunsets and mountains and powerful thunderstorms. I love to see Him in the love of mother and father for their children and in a priest’s care for his flock. I love Him and how He moves me to compassion and great love for those whom I see suffering.

I love Jesus as I taste His great Love for me in the Eucharist. I love Him in the taste of the gifts He gives us in good food and drink.

I love Jesus and His great Sacrifice and Love for me as I receive Him and His touch on my tongue at communion. I love Him in the touch of Holy water to my hands and forehead and heart. I love Him in the loving touch of my husband. I love Him in the hugs and kisses of my children. I love Him in feeling rain fall on my face or in the wind blowing all around but knowing that He is my anchor. I love Him in how He gives me the ability to touch others to bring comfort and strength.

I love Him in the smell of a thunderstorm or rain coming, in the smell of incense at Mass or Adoration, in the memories evoked of His providence and Love upon smelling certain scents.

Thank You Jesus.

If you read this and are inspired to share your reasons for loving Jesus, just put a note in the comments of where you have it posted and I will link it here.

God Bless you and have a wonderful week.

Get to know me

Hi, let me introduce myself!! My name is Kathryn. I decided to start blogging with my real name because everyone here at home calls me Mom and people blogging have been calling me Mom too. Now you can call me by my real name! Also Therese at Aussie Coffee Shop has a great list of questions. Here they are:

Get to know me.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:30am

2. How do you like your steak? medium well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I think it was Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

4.What is your favorite TV show? Journey Home on EWTN

5.If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Right here where we are!

6. What did you have for breakfast? Special K with Strawberries (it was on sale)

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican food

8.What foods do you dislike? any kind of seafood (I know, I know)

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Spezias or my grandmas :)

10. Favorite dressing? homemade Caesar salad dressing (not the kind with anchovies)

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Honda Odyssey Van and Toyota Camry

12. What are your favorite clothes? pretty flowing skirts and peasant type shirts

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Austria (because of music history there) and Ireland (because this is a big part of my heritage)

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? 1/2 full usually :)

15. Where would you want to retire? in the country somewhere!

16. Favorite time of day? family prayer time in evenings before bed

17. Where were you born? El Paso

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? college basketball if I know who the players are

22. Bird watcher? No, but sounds lovely, maybe some day!

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? definitely night except have been really tired lately

24. Pets? No, but kids keep trying to talk us into one! :)

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share? Just under two months until baby's due date!

26. What did you want to be when you were little? An oceanographer or a chemist

27. What is your best childhood memory? Camping with my grandparents, definitely!

28. Are you a cat or dog person ? dog

29. Are you married? Yes, for almost 13 years!

30. Always wear your seat belt? yes

31. Been in a car accident? yes

32. Any pet peeves? People saying, "That's not my job."

33. Favorite pizza toppings? pepperoni and pineapple (and lately have liked green olives and red onions too)

34. Favorite Flower? zinnias

35. Favorite ice cream? pecan praline and cookies and cream on a big giant waffle cone

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? QDoba

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? none (although there is some vague memory that I lost my driver's license once and did fail the written test and had to take it the next day, but it's all unclear)

38. From whom did you get your last email? Mom from a homeschooling group we're in

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? wouldn't want to do that, but probably a book store

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? made toffee bars this afternoon!

41. Like your job? yes, most challenging yet most rewarding

42. Broccoli? yummy with cheese sauce too!

43. What was your favorite vacation? Disney World with the kids a couple of years ago

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? family just for fun

45. What are you listening to right now? nothing, I should put some music on!

46. What is your favorite color? Blue

47. How many tattoos do you have? none

48. Coffee drinker? Yes, but not so much lately since being pregnant

49. How many children do you have? 4 plus one on due in May plus one lost by miscarriage

50. Favorite beverages: coke classic caffeine free, Colorado Bulldog, Boulevard Beer

Give Me Jesus

While reading A Minute Captured by Jenny, I was so blessed to hear such beautiful and peaceful music. So glad to have found her blog, go check it out! Here is one of the songs I heard while there (not the same version though, but I like this one too). Have a blessed Sunday.

Thank You God for giving us Jesus at every Mass. Thank You Jesus for dwelling within us. Make our hearts like to Thine. In Your Holy Name, Amen.

Thanks Vincenzo!

A big thank you to Vincenzo for designing my new blog header! Isn't it awesome? I love the detail. Vincenzo is amazingly talented and has designed so many awesome blog headers. Go visit him at Sancte Pater or Amentior.

Boundaries

Now that we live in a new neighborhood in a new house with 2 more doors to come in and out of, we have to teach our children their new boundaries and establish ground rules. In this new neighborhood, there are new playmates all around with one big giant backyard where there are play sets and trampolines galore. It is awesome, and I am happy that our children will have more people to play with as they grow up; however, it has been challenging when all of a sudden our son is gone and we are wondering where he went and find out he has gone next door to play with an old kindergarten classmate of his.

Somehow, through all the craziness of moving we did not tell him that he needs to ask permission from us, and we need to make sure it is okay with the other little boys' parents. Our children are all still young so we haven't ventured into being a bit more permissive in this area. Maybe we will be a bit more permissive as we get more comfortable with our new neighbors and as the children get older, although we are definitely both of the mindset that being overly permissive is a detriment, but that is for another post. On the other hand, we do not want to be overly protective either, also another post.

We also need to teach them about what toys they can take over to their new friends' houses as well as what can come over here. If our son takes his legos over there, they get all mixed up with their legos and you have a big mess of legos everywhere even if they could build something really cool with their combined sets. Now that I am typing this it sounds really dumb, but it seems like a good rule to me (and to dear husband who is a little possessive of our son's legos even though he (the dad) has his own set of practically every star wars lego ever known, but I digress). I know I'm rambling, it is a little early for me, sorry, let me get to my point.

God gives us grace to help us along the road, but the devil can place snares along the way as well. This makes me think of the internet. There is so much good out there to find and learn, but it is like a big giant backyard with play sets and trampolines galore. Where to go, what to learn, who to follow? I am thinking a lot about this because yesterday I practically spent all day, off and on, surfing around the internet reading different blogs, deciding to follow or not? To follow publicly or not? Who are these people? They seem nice, but I really do not know these people at all.

Bottom line, I hope our school books come soon because we really need some structure around here, not only for them, but for me. I really do not need to be obsessively checking my new friends' blogs all the time. Or my own for that matter. Does blogging make me obsessive, or am I am I blogging because I am obsessive? Rambling once again. Focus, back to point. Think I'll pray.

O Dear Jesus, hear me, graciously hear me, help me to sort out where you want me to go and what you want me to read and who you want me to follow. In following other people you place in my life, let us follow You together, and when it seems like that cannot happen, give me the courage to follow You alone. Thank You for Your Word and Your Commandments to keep us within the strength and beauty of Your Will. Thank You for the healing grace of Confession, and the nourishment You give us in Your Holy Eucharist. Place my thoughts and my senses in Your Custody, so that I may have temperance and prudence when it comes to blogging and following blogs. O Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us. Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us. Good Saint Joseph, pray for us.

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, Oh Prince of the Heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into hell, satan and all evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.

And Fr. Z's prayer before connecting to the internet:

Almighty and eternal God,who created us in Thy image and bade us to seek after all that is good, true and beautiful, especially in the divine person of Thy Only-begotten Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, grant, we beseech Thee, that, through the intercession of Saint Isidore, Bishop and Doctor, during our journeys through the internet we will direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee and treat with charity and patience all those souls whom we encounter. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.