God does not need Google

Have you ever felt like if you typed in "worst mom in the world" or "worst teacher in the world" or "worst friend in the world" or "worst daughter in the world" on Google your own name would pop up as the #1 link. That is how I feel a lot of the time, wondering why in the world God ever thinks that I can do this because I feel like an epic failure so much. And I mean epic. But I guess that is the lie that we believe sometimes or a lot of the time in my case lately. Here is what I wrote in an email to a good friend yesterday and it pretty much sums it up for me right now:

I am sorry if I have been so distant, I feel as though I am just barely hanging
on and in survival mode. I long to just sit and read and drink tea or sit
and talk about everything and nothing for hours and it makes me sad that life is
so blurry right now. I long to sit down and write about it all, but cannot seem
to find the moment to do it, and when I do, exhaustion keeps me from finding the
right words. I long to sit and play the piano from my heart but cannot
find the time to relearn how to play. When the sun is shining and the
birds are singing and I look out the window and see such beauty it makes me even
more sad because I feel like I am missing something big that God is trying to
show me. And when one of the kids looks at me and says will you play with
me and I don't feel like it, I know I should but I haven't been able to. I
used to be able to multi-task, now I can't even accomplish one thing and it is
weighing heavily on my heart. Need another silent retreat. But God
wants me here and I feel like a failure.

But the truth is that I am not a failure and God knows me and doesn't need to search anything out to find out who I am, faults and all. He knows me. And the best part of all is that He loves me. I was praying the other day, looking for God in the sanctuary there in front of the tabernacle. Then I had this thought that I was trying to put God in a box, and well, here was His answer to that thought while I drove home and listened to Times by Tenth Avenue North:

Are You done forgiving? Can You look past my pretending? I'm so
tired of
defending what I've become. What have I become?

But I hear You say My Love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in
between.

The times you doubt Me, and when you can't feel, the times that you question
is this for real?

The times that you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me,
the times that you bend.

My Love is over, It's underneath, It's inside, It's in between.

The times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you
feel like you've fallen from grace.

The times that you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go
hungry and are tempted to steal.

In times of confusion, in chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the
weight of your shame.

I'm there in your heart-ache, I'm there through the storm, My Love I will
keep you by My power alone.

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been. I'll never forsake
you, My love never ends. It never ends.

So thankfully God does not need Google to find us. And come to think of it, I don't need Google either. Especially to find Him.